Guilt: In an emotional affair, the person having the affair may feel guilt the amount of time spent away from the partner/spouse, the time spent with the other person, and doing activities that really should be spent with the romantic partner, and so on. Vulnerability : The person having the emotional affair may “over-share” intimate or sensitive information about the romantic partner, and this information may violate boundaries, privacy and so on. In a slightly different type of vulnerability, the emotional affair can avoid having difficult conversations or dealing with issues in the emotional affair, which does not solve the problems. Threatened: The romantic relationship is threatened by the direction this emotional affair is taking.
You know the level of depth of intimacy and connection with this person has become inappropriate. Your commitment to your partner is threatened or destabilized by someone else being so knowledgeable about the lives and happenings of the two of you.
An inability to take criticism. If you’re liable to seeing almost everything your partner says as a criticism because you always need positive feedback, this might set you up to wander. [2] X Research source Dr. Pamela Stephenson-Connolly, Dangerous Liaisons, p. 116, AWW, March 2010 Any form of psychological trauma or long-term hurt not dealt with through therapy or other suitable help can sometimes lead to escapism behavior, such as getting involved in emotional affairs, rather than dealing with the deeper underlying issues. Getting help from a professional therapist or counselor may be one way to start breaking the cycle. Not everyone finds therapy useful, but acknowledging and finding some form of facing your emotional demons, is a good start to getting emotionally well again.
An emotional affair is unfair to the person you are having the emotional affair with. Instead of being truly your cherished friend or lover, this person is simply filling a hole in your existing relationship, without any of the perks of a real relationship. The affair is unfair to your partner. Your marriage or long-term relationship is a bond that requires faith, trust and long-term attentiveness. If you consider that your spouse or partner is continually unwilling to meet this need, your choice is either acceptance or moving on. If your spouse or partner is simply unable to connect with you emotionally, it’s unfair to him or her to stay while you’re secretly leaking energy outside of the relationship. Last but not least, the affair unfair to you because you’re splitting your consciousness or self into different sections, alienating these sections from each other. Rather than deal with the pain of being with someone who is not there for you emotionally, you’ve decided to try to have your cake and eat it too; it’s a situation that can end up deeply scarring everyone involved.
Accept that relationships don’t just happen without effort. They all require work, throughout the life of the relationship. The sooner you accept this, the better for your own emotional strength.
Accept that this isn’t going to be easy. But if you’ve made a decision that your spouse or partner is worth stopping this unfaithful dalliance, that’s a price you need to be willing to pay.
“I’m writing you this letter/calling because I feel like I’ve overstepped the boundaries of my relationship with you. I get along with you, and I enjoy being with you, but the relationship we had was not fair — to you, to me, to my [boy/girlfriend]. I take full responsibility for what I did, and I understand if this feels strange. I hope we can still remain friends, but I understand if you no longer want to. " If seeing this person in person, there will probably be a lot more to say and respond to. Be ready for possible tears, indignation or even an insistence that he or she has never thought that there were overstepped boundaries. It pays to be honest and to stick to your own feelings, reiterating that you certainly had feelings for the other person that you’re not wishing to act upon any further.
Seek help from a therapist to work on deeper issues that you haven’t managed to deal with yet. You deserve to live a happier, more whole life, and this isn’t going to happen by allowing yourself to be subsumed by other people.
What aspects of the emotional affair did you respond positively to? If a deep sense of communication was missing from your relationship, what steps might it take to get better communication between you and your partner? Think about bringing something like this up with your partner: “I’d like to talk to you about how we can improve our communication. I really value this relationship, and I love you, but I think we can improve how much we communicate, and the ways in which we communicate. What do you think?” Ask your partner if there are any issues that she or he is having with the relationship and try to improve those. Often, your partner will withdraw from a relationship when he or she is dissatisfied or confused, causing you to look for emotional satisfaction somewhere else. If you improve some of the issues that may be bothering your spouse or partner, you could find your own needs suddenly met.
“I’d like to talk to you about how we can improve our communication. I really value this relationship, and I love you, but I think we can improve how much we communicate, and the ways in which we communicate. What do you think?”
Deal with your own emotional demons rather than using escapist strategies to evade them. Writing them down can help start your understanding of what’s wrong, as can talking to people you trust. Be open and frank with your partner about issues you think you need to tackle to feel like a more whole and healthy person. Your partner may just turn into your best ally over this, especially once he or she realizes the emotional challenges you’ve been facing and can see how you construed his or her behavior toward you. [5] X Research source
One big thing is distance. Maybe your relationship suffered because you felt smothered all the time. In that case, you’ll probably want to take a little time for yourself. Or perhaps your relationship suffered because you didn’t see one another enough. That would be an opportunity to carve more time out of your busy schedule to see one another, go on dates, and just be together. Ask yourselves if you’re only in it for the physical relationship. Lots of people who engage in emotional affairs are satisfied sexually but dissatisfied emotionally. Having a healthy sexual relationship is great, but not if it’s at the expense of a nurturing psychological and emotional relationship.
If you decide that, despite everything, the current relationship is also not working, you may have to reach a decision to break up with the person, citing the unmet needs. It’s always better to admit what isn’t working despite trying than to condemn the two of you to a loveless, uncaring future. Take a step back and ask yourself how you’re feeling. Are you feeling sad? Guilty? Angry? Remember that your feelings are valid and normal. [6] X Expert Source Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCCRelationship Therapist Expert Interview. 7 August 2019.
