Some children will begin asking questions earlier on than others. In general, when your child stars to ask questions, this may be a good opportunity to begin the explanation. Usually, once an autistic child is surrounded by peers at school, they will realize that they act differently and are treated differently. They need to know why, or they might think something is wrong with them.
Ask the Autistic community for reading recommendations. Search for books and essays written by autistic people as a primary source. Consider books written by non-autistic family members as a secondary source. Some literature speaks very negatively about autism, treating autistic people as burdens upon their families. Watch your sources and use your judgment when selecting reading material.
Always keep the conversation open. Remind your child that you’re here if they have questions. Say something like, “If you ever want to know more, just ask. You may be confused sometimes by why you’re different from other people, and I’m always here to explain. " In many cases, a child learns the most about autism through asking as questions arise. You may not always know the answer. You can always say “I don’t know” and look it up or ask someone else later.
Make sure the child knows that it’s not bad to be disabled. Say something like “Autism is why some things are hard for you, like loud kitchens or tying your shoes, and also why you’re good at some things, like spelling and facts about cats. You’re different, and that’s okay. " Remind your autistic child that they are not alone. Let them know that there are plenty of autistic children (and autistic adults) in the world. If your child is mainstreamed, make sure they have an opportunity to meet other autistic people. Make it clear that childhood messages of “be yourself” also apply to autistic people, and your child shouldn’t need to hide who they are. Make it clear that you’re proud of your child, autism and all.
Explain why a sibling may behave differently. For example, say something like, “Because your sister is autistic, sometimes she needs quiet time and gets upset when people touch her without her permission. " Explain that autism is a brain type, not a choice or an illness. You could say “Lucy was born non-autistic, and you were born autistic. That means you’ll be different from each other, and that’s okay. Some things are very hard for you, and some things are easier. "
A toaster/hairdryer analogy is common in the Autistic community. For example, “Let’s say your brother’s brain works like a toaster. A toaster is an important tool that achieves many vital tasks. Your brain works like a hairdryer, which is also a useful tool. However, it’s very hard to make toast with a hairdryer, just as you couldn’t dry hair with a toaster. Both of you have special contributions to the world. They’re just very different. “[1] X Research source
“Autism is also why you are so good at math, and why you have such a big imagination. " “Alex is good with computers, and knows a lot of things about cats, because of autism. It has great parts and hard parts. "
Encourage your child to ask questions and be patient when they don’t understand.
You can say things like, “If your friend is covering his ears, it means he needs some quiet time. You can help by giving him space and letting an adult know that he could use help. " Also, explain any behaviors that could potentially confuse a child. For instance, “Renisha flaps her hands when she is excited because she is autistic. It’s normal for autism, and it just means she’s having fun. "
An autistic child who comes across negative attitudes about autism may start to feel low self-esteem or even self-hatred. You can combat this by praising the child’s strengths, and teaching them that everyone is lovable and important, including autistics.
For example, “Because Mommy is autistic, loud noises can hurt her when she is stressed. When this happens, she’ll go to her room to relax. If Mommy is in her room, it’s important to leave her alone, so she can feel better faster. " Encourage all children to set boundaries like “I don’t want to be touched” or “I need quiet time. " It’s essential for autistic children to know how to assert themselves, and non-autistic children could also benefit from this skill (and learn to take the autistic family member seriously).
Emphasize that chores are based on ability, not age. It may take a lot of effort for an autistic child to do chores, so it’s normal for them to have less or none at all. Explain to your other children that therapy is work, and is different from play. For example, “I know it looks like your sister’s just playing, but it’s actually quite hard for her. She’s trying to learn certain skills that do not come easy to her. This is a chore for her, just like you have to clean your room. It’s just different. " Always reassure your autistic child that they are important. Remind them that being a family member isn’t dependent on doing certain things, and that the child contributes in their own, important way.
Make a habit of giving small gestures of affection to all your children. Say things like, “I’m really proud of you” and “You did a great job on that assignment. " When you have the time, spend one-on-one time with each of your children, especially ones who haven’t gotten as much attention from you lately. This can sometimes be hard to schedule, but try to get in some one-on-one time a few times per week.
Don’t make a big deal out of your child’s needs. If your child can’t handle something, calmly offer an alternative. This way, they’re less likely to feel guilty for being disabled. Consider whether your child has any one-on-one time that isn’t taken up by therapy goals. Are you ever having fun with them, or is every interaction spent working on something? Give your child free time to just play, without being pushed to meet predefined goals. They should be able to enjoy childhood too. (And you don’t need to spend the next decade transporting your child between therapies. You also can relax. ) Encourage your child to develop their strengths and special interests.
For example, if loud movie theaters frighten your autistic family member, home movie nights might be a lot more comfortable.
