Narcissists tend to believe they’re the most important person in the room, and they’ll become upset if they aren’t given attention or special treatment. While many people consider the feelings of others when fostering relationships, narcissists tend to care way more about how they feel than other people.
Many malignant narcissists rely on gaslighting, a technique where you convince someone that their perception of reality isn’t accurate, to get what they want. [3] X Research source Often, malignant narcissists are sadists. A sadist is someone who gets pleasure out of hurting or humiliating other people.
Overt. Overt narcissists are outgoing, but extremely arrogant and entitled. These narcissists tend to feel good about themselves. Covert. These narcissists have a poor self-image, and don’t outwardly act like they’re great. Covert narcissists love to play the victim. Antagonistic. Antagonistic narcissists are arrogant and prone to argue with others. They hold grudges and enjoy fighting. Communal. These narcissists find fulfillment from others and often use moral superiority and concern for social issues to get praise from others.
Narcissist: “I’m so tired of Melissa. She’s always complaining about everything. ”You: “That’s kind of funny, you’re complaining right now. ” Narcissist: “I can’t believe there’s a $10 cover for the party. ”You: “Oh, I thought you were crushing it at work! You just got a raise right? It shouldn’t be a big deal, right?” Narcissist: “I can’t stand sloppy people. ”You: “You have a mustard stain on your shirt. ”
For example, if you know a narcissist just got dumped and they’re bragging about how easy it is for them to get dates, you might say, “You’re doing well in the dating game? You land any hot dates lately?” If they double-down and say, “Oh, totally, I’ve been seeing this hot guy/girl for a while now,” double-down yourself. Say, “Really? What’s their name? I thought you were dating that ex of yours until last week?” If they back off and say something like, “Uh, no, but I could if I wanted to,” you might say, “Yeah, I’m sure you’ll find someone soon!”
For example, if a narcissist mocks a mutual friend for doing poorly on a test, you might tell your mutual friend, “I wouldn’t sweat it. Everyone did poorly on that exam—including me. ” If a narcissist puts someone down for the way they look, you could tell the target of their mockery, “Oh, don’t listen to them. I really like your new haircut. I think it suits your face. ”
This goes for little stuff, too! If they hate country music, maybe you throw on some Willie Nelson next time you’re in the car together. If they hate the cold, suggest skiing for your next family reunion.
For example, if they try to belittle somebody for making a mistake, you might say, “Everyone makes mistakes. It’s not your place to remind them, don’t be a jerk. ”
For example, when a friend or family member asks how you’re doing in front of a narcissist, you might say, “I’m great! I actually just finished my finals—I got an A in chemistry!”
For example, if they snap at you and shout, you might say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you so badly. Are you okay?” This is where it’s often a good idea to shoot onlookers a slightly raised eyebrow and shocked look to really emphasize how much they’re overreacting.
Your best option is to usually dismiss any false accusations without giving them too much attention. If you make it a big deal and you get defensive, the narcissist gets what they want. In an elegant way, this can be a good thing. All of that childish behavior will just reinforce the fact that they’re insecure and dishonest to others.
Draw the line. You might say, “You cannot put me down in front of other people. ” Explain the consequence. You could tell them, “If you do put me down, I’m not going to invite you over anymore. ” Refuse to negotiate. The narcissist will try to argue or fight back, so just say, “It’s not up for discussion. This is not negotiable. ” Enforce the boundary. If they cross the line, it’s likely that they’re testing you. Do not let up. Do not cut them a break. Put your foot down and enforce the consequence.
You might tell a close friend, “Look, Jimmy has been really rude to us recently. It bothers me, and I know it bothers you. I’m going to call them out next time they do this, I just wanted to give you a heads up to see where you’re at. ”
This can be especially tough if the malignant narcissist is a close family member, you have tons of mutual friends, or you work with them. If you can’t cut them off entirely, at least minimize how much time you spend interacting with them.
You can find a qualified, affordable therapist near you by searching online at BetterHelp.
