Your jaws are clenched and your muscles tense. Your head or stomach hurts. Your heart starts racing. You get sweaty, even on the palms of your hands. Your face flushes. Your body or your hands shake. You get dizzy.
Irritation Sadness Depression Guilt Resentment Anxiousness Defensiveness
Breathe in for a count of four, hold for a count of four, and exhale for a count of four. Make sure you are breathing with your diaphragm rather than with your chest. When you breathe with your diaphragm, your belly extends out (you can feel it with your hand). Do this as many times as necessary until you start feeling calmer. Breathing can help turn off the sympathetic nervous system and turn on the parasympathetic nervous system, which shuts down your emotional response. [1] X Expert Source William Gardner, PsyDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 25 July 2019. The earlier you do this, the more likely you’ll be able to shut off those strong emotions. [2] X Expert Source William Gardner, PsyDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 25 July 2019.
For example, you can say to yourself: “My boss yells at me every day. I have a hard time dealing with this and it makes me angry. I’m allowed to be angry, but I can’t allow this to take over my life or ruin my day. I can deal with my boss assertively even though he is acting aggressively. I am looking for another job, but in the meantime, every time he yells, I can tell him it’s difficult to understand him when he’s so upset. If there is a problem, let’s sit and talk about it so I can help him come up with a solution. If there is anything that he needs me to do, I can do it if he can manage to tell me what it is without yelling at me. This way, I can keep my cool while teaching him how to behave well. ”
You don’t need an official anger scale. You can make your own; for instance, you can rate your anger on a scale of one to ten, or zero to one hundred.
What provoked the anger? Rate your anger. What thoughts occurred as you got angry? How did you react? How did others react to you? What was your mood right before it happened? What symptoms of anger did you feel in your body? How did you react? Did you want to leave, or act out (such as bang the door or hit something or someone), or did you say something sarcastic? What were your emotions immediately after the incident? What were your feelings a few hours after the episode? Was the episode resolved? Keeping track of this information will help you learn what situations and triggers you have to your anger. Then you can work to avoid those situations when possible, or predict when these situations occur if they are unavoidable. It will also help you track the progress you make at handling situations that anger you.
Not being able to control other’s actions Other people disappointing you for not meeting your expectations. Not being able to control daily life events, such as traffic. Someone trying to manipulate you. Getting mad at yourself for a mistake.
Anger can make people feel entitled to the point where they can rationalize reasons to act in a socially irresponsible way. People who experience road rage, for instance, might feel justified when they run someone off the road because that person mistakenly cut them off.
A person can become accustomed to using anger as a distraction from pain. This is because anger is easier to deal with than pain. It can make you feel more in control. In this way, anger becomes a chronic way of dealing with feelings of vulnerability and fear. Many times, our automatic reaction to incidences have to do with the painful memories of our past. Your automatic anger reactions could be something you learned from a parent or caregiver. If you had a parent who got angry about everything and one parent who tried to keep that parent from getting angry, you have two models of dealing with anger: passive and aggressive. Both of these models are counterproductive to dealing with anger. If you were a victim of child abuse and neglect, for example, you had a model of dealing with anger that is counterproductive (aggressive). [10] X Research source While examining these feelings can be painful, understanding what you were provided when you were a child will help you understand the ways you learned to cope with stress, difficult life situations, and difficult emotions such as sadness, fear, and anger. It’s important to seek professional help for life traumas such as child abuse and neglect. Sometimes a person can re-traumatize himself without intending to by revisiting painful memories without the support of a clinician.
For example, you might shout and yell at someone, or even hit, when you express your anger aggressively.
Assertive communication emphasizes that both people’s needs are important. To communicate assertively, give the facts without making accusations. Simply state how the action made you feel. Stick to what you know and not what you think you know. Then ask the other person if he is willing to talk. [11] X Research source For example, you might say: “I was hurt and angry because I felt like you were belittling my project when you laughed during my presentation. Can we talk and work this out?”
“I feel embarrassed when you tell your friends when we have had a fight. ” “I feel hurt that you forgot my birthday. ”
For example, instead of saying, “You’re never around at dinnertime anymore,” you can say, “I feel lonely and I miss our talks over dinner. ” For example, you might say: “I feel that you are not being sensitive to my feelings when you read your paper instead of listen to what I’m trying to say. ”
“When you have the time, could you…” “It would be a great help if you… Thanks, I appreciate it!”
Take a few minutes to calm yourself down. Figure out the emotions that you’re feeling. Start to strategize about ways to approach this problem. For example, if your child comes home with a bad report card, you might be angry about his bad grades. Approach this situation with solutions rather than simple anger. Talk to your child about spending more time on homework after school, or suggesting that you line up a tutor for him. Sometimes you might have to accept that there isn’t a solution to the problem. You might not be able to control a problem, but you can control how you react towards it. If you find yourself getting to work late, you might leave your home 10 minutes earlier instead. [15] X Expert Source William Gardner, PsyDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 25 July 2019.
“I have a request. Would you please lower the volume of your voice on the telephone? It’s making it very difficult to concentrate on my work. I’d really appreciate it. Thanks. ” You are directly addressing the person you need to resolve your issue with, and you are making it clear what you would like to see happen, as well as putting it in the form of a request.
There are a wide variety of options for anger management programs as well. For example, there are anger management programs available for teens, executives, police officers, and other populations of people who might be experiencing different types of anger for different reasons.
For example, if your anger is accompanied by depression, you can ask your doctor about antidepressants to treat both the depression and the anger. If irritability is occurring as a part of generalized anxiety disorder, benzodiazepines such as klonopin might be used to treat the disorder. In the meantime, it can help with your irritability. Each drug has side effects. For example, lithium, which is used to treat bipolar disorder, has a very high rate of renal complications. Being aware of the possible side effects will help you monitor for complications. It’s very important to discuss these possibilities openly with your doctor. Discuss any addiction problems you have with your doctor. Benzodiazepines, for example, are addictive substances. The last thing you need when you are struggling with alcohol, for instance, is to add another addiction. This should be discussed candidly with your doctor to help him decide which medication is best for you.
