Try to steer away from generic or superficial compliments. Everyone likes to be told they are beautiful or handsome, but more personal compliments will set them apart as expressions of love. Try to compliment your partner’s behavior more than their appearance. These compliments mean more because they are something more in your partner’s control. For example, you might say “I loved the way you helped that old woman cross the street. It showed how conscientious and caring you are, and that’s one of my favorite things about you. "
If you’ve developed a close personal relationship, it’s likely you have at least one (if not several) interests in common. Talking about those interests reinforces that connection. But asking about things in which they’re interested shows that you care about them – even if you don’t share the interest. The less interested you are in the particular thing, the more it shows that you care about your partner if you ask about it. Try to keep up with any major dates or events they have scheduled related to their interests so that you can ask specific questions and not just general ones. This shows that you’ve been paying attention. Asking about your partner’s friends or family members not only shows you love your partner, but gives you the opportunity to learn about them and the people they care about.
Both you and your partner have to be willing to talk about things that are bothering you and what you expect from each other in the relationship. Try setting aside regular times to communicate about the relationship and how each of you are feeling. This will ensure that it gets done. [8] X Expert Source Laura Reber, SSPSchool Psychologist Expert Interview. 15 May 2020. One of the most important things your partner needs to understand is that they can’t assume that you know what to do or what to say in any given situation. They also can’t assume that you understand what they need out of the relationship, or that your needs will be the same or even similar. Because you may have difficulty being able to intuit when something’s wrong or when your partner is upset, you must be able to talk to each other clearly and openly about basically any situation.
Spontaneity is important in romantic relationships, but you may have difficulty being spontaneous if you’re autistic. The idea of doing something without planning ahead may cause you tremendous anxiety. However, keep in mind that something doesn’t need to be spontaneous for you to be spontaneous for your partner. For example, you can write a short love note for your partner and leave it in an unexpected, random location where they’re sure to see it, such as taped to the bathroom mirror or the rearview mirror of their car. Don’t wait for a holiday or special occasion. You can write these notes for no reason at all and leave them in places where your partner will find them. If you want to show that you love them through actions, consider taking care of a chore they hate or picking up a small gift you see that they might enjoy. Be sure not to always rely on gestures - words are very important and validating.
Think about how couples have special nicknames or terms of endearment for each other. Your code words can be similar to this. You might create your own word or phrase to say that you want to leave a place or want to get something to eat. These code words have the added benefit that you can use them in public and no one around will really understand what you’re talking about. This can be ideal if you are feeling overstimulated and need to get out of a situation as quickly as possible.
For example, you might want to create a little routine for whenever you see your partner at school. Figure out when your classes are and where you’ll be so you can schedule times to see each other. This gives you both the attention and affection you want while simultaneously giving you predictable rules that you can follow.
For example, it may be that you don’t like being kissed on the face. Letting your partner know that you don’t enjoy being kissed on the face will ensure that they don’t get the wrong idea if you pull away when they kiss you. It also means you won’t have to continue to suffer through something you find irritating just to spare their feelings. Keep in mind that telling someone to stop doing something can come across as a rejection of them personally, and can make them feel less confident about your relationship and how you feel. Try suggesting that they read a specific book chapter or article to educate themselves on autism in order to understand your sensitivity. This helps to keep them from taking it personally. If your partner is more physically demonstrative, this may be a larger issue than if your partner is more of a hands-off person. Not everybody enjoys physical demonstrations of affection, regardless of whether they’re autistic.
For example, many autistic people prefer deep pressure to light touch. Giving your partner a demonstration of the level of pressure you like enables them to be more comfortable. Often people are more gentle because they don’t want to hurt or disturb you. If you show the level of pressure that you like, they will have a better understanding of what gives you pleasure and can respond accordingly. In return, your partner will understand that it’s not that you don’t want them to touch you. Rather, you want them to touch you in a way that makes you feel comfortable. Keep in mind that if your partner feels love and affection for you, they will want to do whatever they can to make you feel comfortable and at ease.
For example, while you may prefer deep pressure, your partner may find that same level of touch to be uncomfortable or even painful. With all types of touch, communication is extremely important. Your partner won’t understand that certain types of touch are uncomfortable for you unless you tell them – and it works the other way as well. Giving physical affection to your partner that they enjoy can be an important way to express love. Sometimes a hug or a squeeze says more to your partner about how you feel than specific words might.
Work with your partner to find things that you both enjoy, even if they’re not necessarily things that anyone else would consider a physical expression of affection. For example, you may find it comforting for someone to repeatedly tap your hand or arm. Other people might find this annoying, but if it makes you feel comfortable and loved, you should bring it up to your partner as an option. Keep in mind that the important part about displays of affection is not the touch or action itself, but the emotion that it expresses and the way it makes you and your partner feel.
There are many dating and relationship guides that discuss etiquette and psychology of couples in relationships. These books can help you interpret your partner’s behavior and understand their expectations. Couples in movies and television shows can give you a window into how people express love and affection and communicate with each other in romantic relationships. Another thing you can do is observe couples in public. Go to a park of coffee shop where couples often meet and observe the way they talk and act around each other. If you’re people-watching in public, consider bringing along a notebook, magazine, electronic device, or other item. This gives you a purpose so that you don’t look creepy if you’re sitting there staring at other people. Don’t be afraid to mimic these interactions to see what is comfortable for you and what your partner responds to. Just be sure to have regular communication about it so that you don’t seem inconsistent and confusing to your partner.
Think back on situations you’ve experienced with your partner, and consider what you would want or expect from your partner in that situation. Think about times you’ve been in a situation similar to the situation your partner is in, and how you felt at that time. For example, if your partner has recently lost their beloved pet, you might think about how you felt when you lost a pet, and what people around you did that made you know that they loved and cared about you. Then you can do similar things to help your partner and express your love for them. It can help to discuss these thoughts you have with your partner. Tell them what you imagine they want from you, and find out if you’re on the right track.
You don’t want these questions to come across as though you’re trying to trap your partner or trick them into saying something that will upset you. Let them know that you’re genuinely trying to understand how they feel. For example, you might say “When you look at me that way I often wonder what’s going through your mind. " Encourage them to open up and be specific about their feelings. If you know how they feel, you will gain confidence to express your thoughts more clearly. If they are overwhelmed or not ready to talk, you can consult with a trusted and agreed upon third party to help you understand what they might be feeling in a given circumstance and how you can be supportive.
Often autistic people find it easier to express love by doing things for their partner than by saying specific words or being physically affectionate. Doing little things for your partner shows that you care about them and want them to be happy. It also can free up their time so the two of you have more time to spend together. For example, if your partner hates doing their laundry, you might take their laundry along with yours. The simple act of helping them with their chores can show how you feel about them.
